A Split Mind

I recently began to describe my experience with splitting in Borderline Personality Disorder in this manner: I feel like my mind is a contradiction. There is optimistic Lauren. She sees plenty of possibilities in the world surrounding her and feels confident that she can accomplish her biggest dreams if she just puts in some effort. There is also pessimistic Lauren. She feels suffocated by the surrounding world and sees her relationships, tasks-at-hand and future goals as daunting and hopeless. Dependent on which mindset I am in, I can have hugely contrasting reactions to the same aspect of my life.

For instance, I love my nesting partner more than I realized was possible. Some days, I want to shout it from the roof tops. I feel protected and happy. On other days, I am afraid our relationship is doomed. I cry and I get irritable. The few times that I do feel like I have reached a middle ground, I am content with our relationship and willing to work with my partner to make it better.

Splitting is sort of like an “all or nothing” response. Living in a balance where I can see the good and bad aspects of an issue simultaneously is not usually an inherent capability of mine. The loved ones in my life often act as my educators. They share other possibilities with me. When I forget these, they remind me.

Having Borderline Personality Disorder for me is to have a child’s reactions in an otherwise mature mind. I need reassurance and “parenting” because I have a fear of abandonment and thus crave companionship. Of course, I do not want to be dependent on others to make me feel better. There are activities I can pursue to mediate the splitting. Usually, I try to do something creative. I try to use mindfulness in crises. But most importantly, I find someone who is willing to talk with me and hug me if needed.

To put splitting in perspective, I sometimes feel like I have “alter egos”. For instance, “Brilliance” is one I named recently. She is the superhero figure. She is bold, beautiful and free. She shines brightly and is wise beyond her years. The other one I will call “Darkness”. She tries to pull herself up by pushing others down. She can be manipulative… not out of spite or intentional harm but rather due to severe emotional pain and the desire to be free from it. When I was in the hospital several years ago, I first described what Darkness truly felt like. I said, “I don’t just see the world as black. I am black.” By this, I mean that I am void of good things and of light, of happiness and of promise (Please don’t take these lines racially, because they are not).

These aren’t true alter egos. They aren’t separate personalities existing in the same person like Dissociative Identity Disorder (also known as Multiple Personality Disorder). Rather, they are the same personality with a fairly strict dichotomy existing within (especially when I am in an episode). I do dissociate occasionally; that is, I feel separate from myself. My mind feels foggy and I start losing awareness of my surrounding space. To me, I can feel myself shutting out the world but I cannot always stop it. Dissociation is a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder, but one I would like to discuss in more detail another time.

Splitting is a difficult experience to manage for all parties involved. If you are friends with or dating someone with BPD, research psychology and mindfulness tips about BPD relationships. There is a lot you can do to protect yourself from the emotional warfare and perhaps even help calm it. As someone with BPD, I encourage all of you experiencing splitting to reach out for professional help, whether it be a doctor/psychiatrist, psychologist, counsellor, or other therapist. Check out Dialectic Behaviour Therapy. And most of all, challenge yourselves to think differently than you usually would.